My whole life I have grappled with this. When someone intentionally disrespects me, or a loved one, I can cut them off in two seconds and feel nothing.
Does this make me a psychopath? Perhaps. Cutting people off, whether for forever or just for a period of time has always come easily to me. I have shamed myself for this trait for years. Where is my loyalty?? Everyone around me tells me loyalty is important, it’s what makes you a good person, a desired partner.
Society has normalized sticking by toxic people, and behavior under the guise of loyalty.
I find loyalty dangerous. By the very nature of it, it has self-betrayal side effects. When someone close to you is acting in a way that is not aligned with your values, and you choose to stand by that person, you are betraying yourself.
For a long time, I thought that cutting people off who bring me down meant I had no loyalties. Now I know that it just means my greatest loyalty is to myself. The only three things I swear to always be loyal to are; respect, kindness, and myself. Sorry mom, but not even you make the cut.
Cutting people off is boundary setting, and setting boundaries is an act of self love.
Taking space from people whose relationship is important to you is the familial cut-off. You don’t have to cut a loved one out of your life who is toxic, but you can create boundaries with that person.
This is unorthadox, but I don’t care how much this person has ‘done for you’, or how long they have been in your life. The thing is you have ‘done a lot’ for them too, and it’s time to do something for you.
Become protective of your energy, and quit allowing someone who is upsetting you to tap into it. It’s not ending a relationship, but it is protecting yourself while you take time to understand how to not be so triggered by their behavior. Take space, and almost numb yourself to their woes. Preserve your energy by not allowing your empathic “fix it” side to emerge every time they call.
Take time to explore what part of you is so triggered by this person’s behavior.
Find grace for them. Think of them as a scared, hurt child who is trying their hardest to feel loved. You can still communicate with the person you’re taking space from, and you don’t need them to participate in your self-protection for it to work.
I have done this with long time friends and family members. If the relationship is important enough, it will come back around in a healthier way.
Staying engaged in toxic behavior is often enabling toxic behavior. You can lovingly give boundaries. Tell your friend you can’t take their hour-long phone calls about their shitty boyfriend for the fourth week in a row UNTIL they have a plan on how to make it better.
Setting boundaries helps everyone. Quitting enabling behavior is HARD, and it feels like a betrayal. It is not a betrayal, it is the best thing you can do for someone who hasn’t grasped the ability to help themselves. Your boundaries force them into it.
The only people who have a problem with your boundaries are the people who are upset they can no longer take advantage of your self betrayal.
Boundaries don’t have to be harsh at first, and they can look different day to day. Boundaries are the hardest to keep with the people you are closest to.
Even I, the emotions coach healing queen, struggle with boundaries. Quarantine came in and blasted every single boundary I had. I am giving myself some grace while I recalibrate.
Did I say yes and go get lunch with a friend when I really wanted to sit in my backyard and journal today? You bet I did. No one flawlessly puts themselves first, and you don’t have to.
Everything in this life ebbs and flows, and until you figure that out, you’re going to be confused why nothing feels effortless.
Sometimes, I can flawlessly establish boundaries, sometimes I catch myself doing far too much people-pleasing. It is a constant dance that I will never be finished learning.
To expect perfection and ease, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Continually inviting chaos and negativity into your life so you can call yourself loyal is bullshit. There is no loyalty certification stamp so who are you betraying yourself for? At what point do you decide to choose something different? We are not victims of the relationships in our lives. We are the loving controllers. We hold all the power.
With love,
GM
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This really hits home for me! It gave me a lot to think about!!
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