How do we show up for those in our lives who are suffering?
What is our role when a loved one is struggling?
Many times when someone close to us is suffering, we go into fix it mode. How can I lessen the burden? How can I fix it? How can I stop her suffering?
All of these questions are assuming that our loved one doesn’t have the tools and capabilities to navigate their suffering themselves.
What part of you feels the need to make it stop?
Are we uncomfortable with hard emotions? When someone near your cries, is the first thing you say ‘oh don’t cry’? Check yourself, because that response is self serving, and actually suppresses the one hurting.
Our emotions are meant to be felt. That is their sole purpose. The average emotion lasts 90 seconds. That’s not a very long time to be uncomfortable.
Our only role in showing up for someone who is suffering is just that – to show up, and to support. Our role is to meet our loved ones where they are at, and stand with them.
Stand there through the grief even when it gets sloppy. Stand there with them in their numbing out phase, their tears everyday phase. When we try to push our idea or timeline of grieving, onto them we are doing them a disservice. We are not meeting them where they are at, we are standing 30 yards in front of them telling them to catch up.
No grieving is wrong, and there is no correct way to do it. Catch yourself when you find yourself pushing your own agenda. Recognize when your desire to help is actually motivated by a desire to make yourself feel more comfortable.
Watching someone grieve is uncomfortable. Get over it.
(!!!!! the only time I will say get over it on this blog !!!!!) (getting ‘over it’ is not a real thing) (confront the things that are stopping you from ‘getting over it’) (book a session with me) (please).
Grief is extremely complex. I hate to tell you, but you are not capable of ending someone’s suffering. You’re just not that powerful (Try being a life coach and swallowing that pill).
If you were a really good friend you could fix them, right?
That is so misguided and inaccurate. No one needs fixing. The person suffering is still whole, resourceful, and entirely capable of fixing themselves, they just may not be ready to yet.
How much easier does it feel to just simply support rather than fix a person? Like woah, to fix an entire person and their grief sounds like a lot, almost impossible (because it is). How much easier is it to just support them?
To say I will stand by you in your grief even when it’s sloppy. I support you even when we both know you’re drinking too much red wine. I support you because I know this process is not meant to be pretty. Meet them at their ugly stage, and know it is all part of the process.
The person suffering is just as concerned about their ugly stage of grief, too. Recognize trying to rush them through that part is only to make yourself feel better. It is not serving them.
There is a point where grieving turns into damaging habits. Most times that is not the case, especially when someone is supported. If it gets to the point that it is truly unhealthy, and interfering with daily life, you both can confront it together when you get there.
You do not need to protect them from ruining their life. Typically that is not even a rational possibility. Your loved one is whole, resourceful and resilient. They do not need you to protect them.
Let your loved one know you are here for all of it. Don’t shame them when they are making bad choices, because trust me, they are aware.
Be conscious of when your agenda starts coming out. Catch yourself, and meet your loved one right back where you left off – on their agenda.
To meet, and not fix, will be the most serving thing you can possibly do for a loved one.
With love,
GM
Self Like 