Unromanticizing Self Love

This whole blog’s theme is basically a big frig off to self-care as we know it. I intend to break down the distorted image social media has given us on all things self care/love, and offer a practical view. 

We’re told in an IG graphic to “be unapologetically you”, but how do we even get there?? If it was that easy you would already be unapologetically you. 

The goal is not self love, (the goal isn’t even self like) the goal is self acceptance. 

To accept where you are now, and have that be enough now. It doesn’t need to be enough for forever, but just for today it is enough. 

Self-love is too romanticized for me, a bit too perfect, over all impractical. The definition of love is deep affection, and I don’t believe it is reasonable to expect to be in deep affection with your body everyday. 

There are days that I am in deep affection with myself, but there are even more that I’m not. 

I find peace to be able to look in a mirror, and just be apathetic. Our bodies do what bodies do. They are ever changing, they bloat, they break out, they smell bad. The goal is to see these things, and not conclude that they lessen our value. An ‘only positivity’ relationship with your body is not real, because bodies are incredibly dynamic.

You don’t need to be completely in love with your body. You can even want to change things about your body.

BUT you should like your body for all of the things it enables you to do. Those legs have carried you every single day of your life, your body enables you to have a job, your hands allow you to create literally anything. Your body is even the thing that allows you to gain and lose weight. We are not victims of our bodies, we are the proud owners and loving controllers. 

What would having abs and a thigh gap bring into your life that you don’t currently have?

And maybe the real reason you haven’t become a lean queen is because it is just not that important to you. The girls we are looking at on Instagram make their living from being fit. Chances are that your income isn’t coming from IG fitness pics, so it wouldn’t even make sense to use all your energy on getting super lean. You are not allowed to compare yourself to someone whose 9-5 includes a 4 hour workout when that is just not your reality.

I find peace in saying to myself, if I had the time or desire to dedicate to fitness like they do, I could be that fit too. The reason I’m not is because it is not important enough to me. Being more lean does not give me more fulfillment or value, so I choose to spend my energy in other ways.

I often encourage people to think about what a flat stomach and thigh gap would even represent. For me, it would mean constantly depriving myself of things I enjoy. I don’t want to stop drinking or eating out at restaurants. A full life is more important to me than feeling skinny. 

We do not owe society a body that we have to suffer in order to obtain.

I used to have this fear that if I accepted my body as it is now, then I would lose control and gain loads of weight. I had this misguided belief that if I didn’t worry about my body, then I would lose all motivation to be fit and healthy. Worry gave me an illusion of control, but I never had control, I just had anxiety. While worrying takes up a good bit of energy, it doesn’t but any calories.

Accepting my body has helped my cravings go down. I choose my meals and physical activity out of respect and love for myself, not punishment. When we resect our body, our body respects us back. 

I do not want to give the impression that one day I just decided to accept my body and everything fell into place. It took intentional daily practice, effort, and about 3 years. And even with that I STILL struggle with my relationship to weight gain and working out. I find grace for myself knowing  the fact that this is new for me and my brain. 

I spent about 23 years hating myself, and my body, I have to be patient as I adjust to my new beliefs and patterns. 

Have the relationship with your body that you would a good friend. You would never tell a friend you will like them more after they drop ten pounds. You would never pick apart a friend’s face, because that is just cruel. If I find a detail about myself I dislike, I put it into perspective. Would I ever notice a coworkers incredibly subtle lazy eye? Probably not. And if I did, would I conclude it makes them ugly? I would never.

Like your body for the incredible things it enables you to do, and recognize that constantly hating it is only perpetuating the issues you want to change. Aren’t you tired of hating your body yet?

Talk to your body like you would a good friend, it’s been there with you through a lot. Think of how well you know your body, and appreciate that intimate relationship you have. You don’t need to love it every single day, but accepting it ~just for today~ will save you.

With love,

GM